In my previous posts, I explored how complex trauma shapes our sense of self and explained how our brains naturally organize themselves into different functional parts. Today, I want to make these concepts more concrete by sharing a personal story about how I first came to recognize different parts in myself.
Meeting Ice Cream Mark
I noticed a pattern that would emerge at the end of each work week. I'd come home and start thinking about ice cream. Not just a casual thought, but an increasing preoccupation. I love ice cream, and when this part of me activates, one flavor is never enough - I'd find myself at the store buying two or even three containers.
Once home, I'd remove the lid, grab a spoon, and start eating while scrolling through memes on my phone. During these sessions, something interesting would happen: while my attention was engaged with the visual and verbal experience of the memes, the eating would continue in a peculiar way. I knew I could stop if I wanted to, but I found myself caught in an ambivalent state - simultaneously wanting to continue eating and becoming increasingly concerned about stopping. This ambivalence itself created a kind of dissociation, where the eating continued while I remained uncertain about whether I really wanted to stop it.
Eventually, I'd manage to push the container away and put it back in the freezer. Sometimes I'd have a stomach ache. But the really interesting part would come the next morning, when I'd wake up with a completely different perspective on that ice cream in the freezer. Now, my rational understanding of the health consequences would combine with anger specifically directed at the ice cream-eating part that had ignored these consequences. This combination of rational awareness and emotional force would lead me to take the ice cream out, turn it upside down over the drain, and say "Take that! If you want it tonight, you'll need to go buy it again."
Understanding Different Parts
This pattern helped me recognize distinct parts of myself operating at different times:
The part that intensely craves ice cream after work (an EP operating on pure emotional and sensory levels, without considering consequences)
The observing part that notices the ice cream level and suggests stopping (showing ANP characteristics with its rational but motivationally weak approach)
The ambivalent state while eating and watching memes (showing how parts can create internal conflict)
The morning part that combines rational understanding with anger at the impulsive part (the ANP using emotional force to implement its rational insights)
What makes this pattern particularly illustrative is how it shows different parts having completely different perspectives on the same situation. The evening ice cream-craving part experiences ice cream as desperately desirable, while the morning part sees it as a threat to be eliminated. Both experiences feel completely real and valid in the moment, yet they're fundamentally incompatible.
What This Teaches Us About Parts
Several key insights emerge from this experience:
1. Parts can emerge in everyday situations
While everyone has the capacity to experience parts, trauma makes these experiences more likely to be noticed
Normal life events can activate different parts
The same situation can feel entirely different to different parts
2. Parts operate at different levels
The ANP (rational self) can access verbal knowledge and anticipate consequences, but often lacks motivational force
EPs (emotional parts) have strong motivational force but operate instinctually, without considering longer-term consequences
This complementarity explains why simply "knowing better" often isn't enough to change behavior
3. Parts can create internal conflict despite our best intentions
Different parts can want contradictory things simultaneously
This can create ambivalence that leads to a dissociative state, where you find yourself unable to stop a behavior even while questioning it
The rational understanding of consequences (ANP) often can't override the immediate emotional drive (EP)
4. Morning insight often can't prevent evening patterns
Parts operate in their own timing
What seems clear in one state may be inaccessible in another
Sometimes we need physical interventions (like disposing of ice cream) when mental ones aren't enough
Moving Beyond Judgment
One of the most important aspects of recognizing parts is moving beyond self-judgment. The ice cream pattern isn't a character flaw or lack of willpower - it's different parts of me trying their best to meet different needs. The evening part might be seeking comfort after a long work week, while the morning part is trying to protect my health. Both have valid purposes, even if their methods sometimes create problems.
I've learned that it's possible to work with these parts rather than fight against them (something I'll explore in future posts). But the first step is simply recognizing that they exist and understanding that their seemingly contradictory behaviors make sense given their different roles and perspectives.
Beginning to Notice Your Own Parts
As you reflect on your own experiences, you might start to notice times when:
You have dramatically different feelings about the same situation at different times
You find yourself doing things despite your best intentions not to
You experience inner conflict between different perspectives or impulses
You recognize distinct streams of thought, each with its own consistent point of view
It's important to understand that these experiences are not like hearing voices in your head - they're more like recognizing different, coherent patterns of thought and feeling that you can tune into. Unlike psychotic experiences where voices seem to come from outside oneself, these parts are generally experienced as aspects of yourself, even when they're in conflict.
These experiences don't mean anything is wrong with you. While trauma makes us more likely to notice and experience parts, the capacity for these experiences is universal. They're windows into understanding how your internal system operates. In future posts, I'll explore different types of parts, how they try to protect us, and how we can work with them more effectively. For now, simply noticing these patterns with curiosity rather than judgment is a powerful first step.
---
In my next post, I'll address a common concern that arises when people start recognizing their parts: "Does this mean I have multiple personalities?" We'll explore the important differences between normal parts experiences and dissociative identity disorder.