In my last post, we explored the Window of Tolerance and how our nervous system needs to be regulated before we can think clearly. Today, we'll dive into a crucial skill that becomes possible when we're within that window: the ability to shift between experiencing our emotions and observing them.
Two Ways of Knowing Our Experience
Imagine you're near a stream. There are two very different ways you could experience that stream:
1. Swimming in the Stream: You're completely immersed. You feel the current pushing against you, the cold water on your skin, the occasional panic when you go under. Your entire reality is the immediate experience of being in that water.
2. Standing on the Bank: From here, you can still see the stream and understand its power, but you can also see the broader context - where the stream comes from, where it's going, how it fits into the landscape.
Our emotional experiences work similarly. Psychologist Robert Kegan describes these as subjective (swimming) and objective (bank-standing) awareness. Both are valuable, but they give us very different information and capabilities.
When We're "Swimming"
When we're embedded in our emotional experience - what Kegan calls subjective awareness - we're fully immersed in our feelings. This isn't inherently bad; it's how we experience life's joys, sorrows, and everything in between. However, when intense emotions flood us:
We become our emotions ("I AM angry") rather than having them ("I feel anger")
We lose perspective on how others might see the situation
Our view narrows to only what confirms our emotional state
We struggle to imagine future consequences or alternative viewpoints
Finding the Bank: Objective Awareness
When we're regulated and mindful - standing on the bank - we gain the ability to:
Notice our emotions without being completely consumed by them
See how our behavior might impact others
Recognize patterns in our emotional responses
Consider multiple perspectives simultaneously
Make choices about how to respond, rather than just react
The Dance Between Perspectives
The goal isn't to always stay on the bank. Life is meant to be experienced, after all. The skill is in developing the ability to:
Know when you're in the stream
Choose when to step onto the bank for perspective
Move flexibly between these states as needed
This is where our Window of Tolerance becomes crucial. When we're outside our window - when the emotional current is too strong - we can't simply choose to step onto the bank. We first need to use those regulation skills we discussed in our last post.
Practical Applications
Here's how this understanding can help in daily life:
1. Notice the Immersion: Start recognizing when you're "swimming" - when you're completely identified with your emotional experience. Common signs include:
Black-and-white thinking
Difficulty considering other viewpoints
Physical tension or activation
A sense of urgency or overwhelm
2. Create Space: If you notice you're immersed and need perspective:
Take a few slow breaths
Feel your feet on the ground
Name what you're experiencing ("This is anxiety")
Ask yourself what someone else might see in this situation
3. Use Both Perspectives: Once you can access both views:
Honor your emotional experience without being ruled by it
Consider how your actions might affect others
Make choices aligned with your larger values and goals
Building the Skill
Like any skill, this ability to shift perspective improves with practice. Start with low-stakes situations when you're already relatively calm. Notice times when you naturally shift between perspectives. What helps you make that shift? What makes it harder?
Remember: The goal isn't to never get swept away in the stream. It's to build your ability to notice when you're immersed and find your way to the bank when needed.
This is the first in a series exploring fundamental concepts in mental health and emotional regulation. Next week, I'll describe ways to catch yourself before you are swept away by a torrent of emotion