I've been building a toolkit for managing intense emotions. First, I explained the Window of Tolerance, then how to recognize when you're getting swept away by emotion versus observing from the bank, and most recently, how to spot the early warning sign of an angry explosion and get yourself to safety before it is too late. Now comes the crucial question: Once you've gotten away, what exactly do you do?
Today, I want to share a simple but powerful tool: using your breath and attention to calm your nervous system.
The Basic Technique
First, let's get set up with the right tools. When we're agitated, it's hard to pace our breathing properly. That's why I recommend initially practicing this technique while using a breathing app as your timekeeper. The Awesome Breathing Pacer Timer, available for both iOS and Android is an excellent app choice.
Program your app with this pattern:
Inhale for 3 seconds
Pause for 1 second
Exhale for 5 seconds
Pause for 1 second
Think of your breath like water flowing smoothly into and out of a glass - no jerks, no forcing, just a continuous, gentle flow. If it helps, imagine you have a balloon in your belly that's slowly inflating and deflating. The movement should be fluid and natural.
Let's Practice Together
Now, let's try this out. Start your app and follow along:
First Round: Just match your breath to the rhythm. Don't worry about doing it perfectly. At the top of each inhale, you should feel comfortable - as though you could easily speak if you needed to. If you're straining or your voice would come out squeaky, you're working too hard.
Notice what you feel after just three cycles. Maybe just a slight shift? Even a small change is evidence that you're affecting your nervous system.
The Attention Hack
Here's where it gets interesting. We're going to do another round, but this time we're going to exploit a fascinating feature of how our minds work: attention is narrow. When you focus it completely on pure physical sensation, it actually crowds out verbal thoughts.
For this round, keep breathing in the same pattern, but now place all your attention on the physical sensation of the breath. Notice the feeling of air moving through your nose or mouth. Feel the expansion and contraction of your chest or belly.
What often happens is remarkable: when you're fully focused on these sensations, those spinning thoughts that usually demand your attention start to fade into the background. They're still there, but you get a break from them. And when you get a break from reactive thoughts, another layer of relaxation often follows.
Why This Works
Think of your mind like a computer that can only run one program in the foreground. When you focus completely on the physical sensation of breathing, your worried thoughts naturally move to the background.
Common Questions and Adjustments
"What if I feel light-headed?"
The numbers I've given (3-1-5-1) are just a starting point. If you're getting too much or too little air, adjust them. The key is finding a slow, comfortable rhythm that works for you.
"Am I doing it right?"
If your breath feels smooth and continuous, and you're comfortable at the top of each inhale, you're doing it right. Don't strain or force anything.
"I don't feel much difference."
Even a small sense of calm is evidence the technique works. Like any skill, the effects tend to deepen with practice.
The Practice Part
Here's what I want you to do: Practice this twice a day when you're already calm, just for three cycles each time. This serves two crucial purposes:
1. It keeps the technique fresh in your mind so you'll remember it when you need it
2. It helps you get familiar with how it feels when you're not under pressure
Because here's the thing I see most often in my clinical practice: The biggest barrier to using this technique isn't learning it - it's remembering you know it when you need it most.
Bringing It All Together
Remember our stream metaphor from earlier posts? This breathing technique is like having a secret way to slow the current when you're getting swept away. But like any tool, it works best when you:
1. Practice using it in calm waters first
2. Keep it readily accessible
3. Trust that even small effects mean it's working
Next time, I'll share how to integrate all these pieces - from recognizing your early warning signs, to getting to safety, to using this breathing technique - into a seamless practice that becomes second nature.
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This is part of my ongoing series exploring fundamental concepts in mental health and emotional regulation. Next week, I'll look at how to measure your emotional temperature to better help you recognize when you're at risk for emotional explosion.